This morning on the bus a girl looked at me 5 times and I looked at her 84 times. I think she might like my face or my coat.
She had curly hair which I know sounds absolutely mental but she did and it was nice. It was a bit like when you pay over £8 for a steak and they make hair for it out of onions. Yes, I’m sticking with that….her hair was like a pile of expensive onions
The first time I noticed she was looking at my face or coat was when I suddenly looked up in exasperation because my headphones werent working (later on I discovered I had the chords from my coat in my ears) she looked at me and then quickly looked away again and bit her bottom lip…….not in a “ohh guck av git me uggy ip” sort of way, but in a sort of Sandra Bullock whilst not driving a bus sort of way.
At this point I had pretty much convinced myself that we will get married and she will let me have a dog…….however I am also little bit spectacle….no that’s not right…..sceptical, that she may be mentally stupid like the last girl I liked on the bus……she turned out to have a handbag full of leaves and smiled too much.
Towards the end of my journey I held onto a pole in an obscure way to show off my bicsep…..he wasn’t happy and shouted “I hate this bloody country, I’m going back to Poland”…..ha ha, no it was just a yellow pole……..he had jaundice……no he didn’t, stop it……..it was just a metal pole on the bus……like the Terminator??…..STOP IT…….he was Austrian anyway.
As I was getting off the bus I took the opportunity to show off a bit to try and impress her. I attempted to throw my metro newspaper back into the pile, from what can only be described as an overly optermistic distance. In my head I made the shot and she bit her lip again then giggled……..what really happened was I threw a newspaper on the face of an Asian woman…..and with the newspaper headline being about the naughty Ukranians, it basically looked like I was doing some sort of racist hate crime against an Asian woman who was minding her own business googling product logos because she was stuck.
I apologised a little bit and tried to give her my packed lunch in way of an apology. She declined.
As I write this blog, I have devised a plan for tomorrow mornings bus journey to try and get closer to the point where the onion haired girl will let me touch her thing with my finger or thingy. ( I would not do this on the bus….Arriva already hate me)
I now just need to find a goose and some sellotape in the next 9 hours and it’s all systems go.
I will keep you informed of my progress.
I was wondering if you would let me be a cameraman on your telly programme?…it seems a nice place to work….this is mainly because of the ladies with the boobies n that. (apart from the one that looks like Sylvester Stallone in the one where he climbed things in the snow)
I have an iPhone 4s which has an HD camcorder in it….a girl I don’t know once told me that they use helicopter glass to make the iPhone, but that’s not really important.
I promise I will behave and I will not take my underpants off.
I assume that you get many requests like this each day, so to make me stand out from the crowd I have listed my 12 key skills:
1. I am excellent at getting off buses when they have not fully stopped
2. I can nearly always tell the difference between parsnips and chips
3. I have Sky HD
4. I’m intuitive……I knew it wasn’t butter all along
5. I use words like intuitive
6. I never accidentally wee on the corner of my dressing gown
7. I can do the batman voice
8. I know exactly where the bits need to go on the popular board game ‘mousetrap’
9. I once taught a goose what nonchalant meant
10. I can stay awake for long periods of time without going wrong
11. I am a fast learner
12. I know 17 jokes
I am not sure if aloof is a thing, but if it is then I can be this with the different big boobied women so that they never fall in love with me and end up fighting each other on the telly.
I once recorded a video where I thought a duck was following me but wasn’t and people at work said that it looked nice
I look forward to hearing from you
P.s..I don’t want to work with the one that sounds like a farmer and who’s boobies are bigger than her head because she scares me.
Today started off badly. A big fat lady squashed me on the bus and made me hate her. She touched my leg with her leg for ages of time and elbowed me in the tummy when she tried to get an extra tasty cooked chicken out of her bag. I may have made the tasty chicken bit up, but she definitely elbowed me in the tummy.
I woke up early. I woke up happy. Then it all went wrong and I became very scared very quickly. Somehow during the night I had gone blind.
Now I know what you are thinking, “he is doing remarkably well so far with this post, considering he is now blind”. But I should point out that I am not blind any more. In actual fact it turned out that I was never blind, I had just woken up with my face too close to the wall and panicked.